From Al Jezza – Chief Correspondent, Earth Observation Deck
The Great Bladder Contest Has Ended… So What Will the Earth Chimpanzees Fight About Next?
Greetings once again from Orbit.
For many moons our monitoring stations have been overwhelmed by one single Earth activity known as The Great Bladder Contest.
Every chimpanzee became an expert.
Every chimpanzee knew exactly what was wrong.
Every chimpanzee was absolutely certain the opposing troop would destroy civilisation before breakfast.
Then…
Silence.
For almost seven Earth minutes.
Our computer predicted this lull with 99.9998% accuracy.
You see, Earth chimpanzees cannot survive for long without something to divide themselves into opposing troops.
Our behavioural models suggest the next obsession will begin almost immediately.
If it isn’t immigration…
it will be taxation.
If it isn’t taxation…
it will be climate.
If it isn’t climate…
it will be wars.
If it isn’t wars…
it will be celebrities.
If it isn’t celebrities…
it will be football.
If it isn’t football…
they will simply argue about what they argued about last year.
Our scientists call this Circular Tribalism Syndrome.
Remarkably, the subject itself is almost irrelevant.
The objective is not to solve the problem.
The objective is to identify which troop occupies the moral high ground while loudly informing every other troop that they are idiots.
We have also observed another fascinating behaviour.
During The Great Bladder Contest, chimpanzees confidently declared that the outcome would change everything.
Within days, many returned to exactly the same routines…
Going to work.
Complaining about work.
Paying bills.
Complaining about bills.
Watching television.
Complaining about television.
Reading social media.
Complaining about social media.
The Alpha Chimp may have changed.
The daily banana hunt remains much the same.
Our latest prediction?
Within fourteen Earth days, fewer than ten percent of chimpanzees will be discussing the election.
The remaining ninety percent will already have found something entirely different to be furious about.
Our sensors are already detecting elevated outrage levels.
Whatever it is…
it’s coming.
This has been…
Al Jezza
“Keeping an eye on Earth, where peace is generally regarded as the awkward pause between arguments.”