FROM AL JEZZA – CHIEF EARTH CORRESPONDENT
Breaking News from Sector One of Earth – “The UK”
Attention Galactic Viewers.
Our orbital surveillance satellites have detected extraordinary activity in the small north-western peninsula known locally as The United Kingdom.
The Earth chimpanzees have appointed a new Supreme Leader.
As always, the ceremony followed the ancient Earth tradition of promising absolutely everything to absolutely everybody without explaining who will be paying for it.
The victorious Alpha Chimp emerged from the ritual waving enthusiastically while thousands of fellow chimpanzees declared…
“Everything will be different now!”
Our computer immediately compared this statement with the previous fourteen Supreme Leaders.
It reported:
“Identical optimism detected.”
For approximately forty-eight Earth hours the winning troop celebrated as though bananas would soon fall from the sky.
The losing troop announced that civilisation itself had ended.
Curiously…
Both groups continued going to work on Monday morning.
Our Science Officer, Ryluna Vex, has identified a fascinating behavioural pattern.
Every four or five Earth years the chimpanzees become convinced that replacing the Alpha Chimp will somehow repair…
The roads.
The hospitals.
The schools.
The weather.
The economy.
International relations.
Their football team.
And, in one particularly ambitious online discussion, someone’s leaking garden shed.
Sadly, the Alpha Chimp possesses no known ability to control rainfall, potholes or the price of bananas.
Another mystery puzzled our research team.
Before the contest, every chimpanzee claimed they wanted “honest politics.”
After the contest, they immediately returned to arguing with complete strangers using facts obtained from Aunt Doris, social media and a bloke in the pub who “knows someone.”
Our Linguistics Department has translated millions of Earth broadcasts.
The most frequently repeated phrase was not:
“Congratulations.”
Nor was it:
“Let’s work together.”
It was simply…
“Well… give it six months.”
Magnificent creatures.
Even before the new Supreme Leader has located the office kettle, millions of chimpanzees have already decided whether history will remember them as a genius or a complete disaster.
This remarkable ability to know the future without waiting for it to happen remains unique to Earth.
Our prediction?
Within three weeks, the chimpanzees will stop discussing who won…
…and start blaming them for absolutely everything.
This has been…
Al Jezza
“Reporting from orbit, where leadership changes are considerably quieter and no one has yet blamed the Supreme Commander for the weather.”