From: Al Jezza, Senior Planetary Affairs Correspondent
To: The Production Crew
Subject: The Annual Air-Bladder Conflict Between the Planet’s Chimp Tribes
Esteemed Colleagues,
Our long-term observations of Planet Three have once again reached the season during which the dominant primate species temporarily abandons logic.
The event concerns an inflated sphere of stitched synthetic material containing compressed atmospheric gases.
The local designation is football.
After centuries of study, I am still unable to determine why the object itself is considered valuable. It is manufactured in enormous quantities, costs relatively few Earth credits, and can be replaced in under sixty seconds. Yet when twenty-two chimps pursue one across a rectangular grass enclosure, the emotional stability of entire nations becomes dependent upon its location.
I have witnessed tribal leaders postpone important meetings because of it.
Economic productivity declines.
Marriages temporarily fail.
Several million primates shout at illuminated rectangles in their homes while believing the players can somehow hear their tactical advice.
Curiously, most of this advice consists of:
“PASS IT!”
This instruction is often delivered approximately three planetary rotations after the player has already passed it.
Proposed Solutions
I therefore submit several improvements for consideration.
Proposal One
Simply manufacture twenty-two footballs.
Every participant receives one.
Conflict immediately ceases.
The humans may initially object that this would “ruin the game.”
This confirms that the purpose was never the ball.
Proposal Two
Replace the human referee with Nodrog.
Whenever a player falls dramatically to the ground after experiencing what appears to be a gentle breeze, Nodrog would quietly announce:
“Medical scan complete.
No injuries detected.
Please resume locomotion.”
Repeat offenders would be required to watch televised parliamentary debates until they apologised.
Proposal Three
Employ Ka’Loryn Ae.
She would halt play every fifteen minutes and ask both teams to explain, in essay form, why they became emotionally attached to an inflated leather container.
No match has ever survived this experiment.
Proposal Four
Ask Kosmic Kathy to explain that victory and defeat are merely temporary vibrations within the universal consciousness.
This speech would continue until extra time.
No penalties required.
Proposal Five
Invite Ryluna Vex to calculate the probability of every possible outcome before kick-off.
Once she announces there are over ten septillion possible interactions between players, officials, weather, insects, and blades of grass…
…everyone goes home.
Unexpected Discovery
There is another curious phenomenon.
The tribes believe football promotes international harmony.
Our records indicate it occasionally does.
Unfortunately, it also inspires millions of otherwise peaceful primates to paint their faces, wrap themselves in coloured fabrics, consume fermented grain beverages in heroic quantities, and loudly explain why another tribe “only won because the referee was rubbish.”
Remarkably, every tribe reaches this identical scientific conclusion.
A Simpler Method
On our world, sporting disputes were solved many millennia ago.
If two settlements wished to determine superiority, each selected one representative.
The representatives exchanged recipes.
Independent judges sampled the results.
The superior casserole was declared victorious.
No riots.
No red cards.
No broken furniture.
Admittedly there was one unfortunate incident involving fermented moon fungus and an overconfident soufflé, but history records this as “The Great Custard Misunderstanding.”
Final Observation
Perhaps football is not really about football.
Perhaps it is simply an excuse for billions of chimps from every continent to agree upon one extraordinary proposition:
“For the next ninety minutes, the position of an air-filled sphere is the single most important matter in the known Universe.”
As cosmic experiments go…
…it is magnificent.
Al Jezza
Senior Planetary Affairs Correspondent
“Still attempting to understand humans. Progress remains disappointing.”