EARTH BREAKING NEWS (AGAIN):
The humans have once more demonstrated their uncanny ability to balance on the knife-edge between brilliance and bafflement. Scientists report that global temperatures have reached “Oh dear” levels, while politicians assure the public it’s all under “firm discussion.”
Meanwhile, the Department of Infinite Excuses announced its latest campaign: “Cool Down Naturally — Just Stop Complaining.” Citizens are encouraged to fan themselves with old election leaflets and plant hope in any remaining patches of soil not claimed by concrete or capitalism.
In the energy sector, oil companies proudly unveiled their newest slogan:
“Greener Than Ever — Because We Painted the Logo Green.”
Their quarterly profits continue to ascend faster than the sea levels, prompting several CEOs to buy yachts rated for “post-civilisation navigation.”
TECHNOLOGY & SOCIETY:
The algorithmic overlords of social media have completed their transition from “influencing behaviour” to “being the behaviour.”
One researcher described the platforms as “digital jungles where ideas go to die and outrage comes to breed.”
In related news, a new dating app called “DoomMate” promises to match users based on shared anxieties about the end times. Its tagline:
“Find someone to hold hands with when the Wi-Fi dies.”
SPACE WATCH:
A fleet of satellites has been spotted blinking Morse code that loosely translates to “You up?” Scientists remain unsure whether this is cosmic flirtation or just Elon Musk testing his latest “Galactic Wi-Fi” prototype.
Elsewhere, the Moon has reportedly filed for emotional independence, claiming Earth’s tides have been “too clingy.”
CULTURE & LIFESTYLE:
A new minimalist trend called “voluntary extinction chic” is sweeping the influencer scene. The look: nothing. The goal: to leave as small a carbon footprint as possible , ideally none.
When asked for comment, a tree in the Amazon simply sighed, “About time,” before being promptly logged and sold as NFT art titled ‘Breathe While YouCan.’
AND FINALLY…
Experts agree that humanity is at a crossroads:
One path leads toward sustainable cooperation and renewed planetary harmony.
The other — marked “Shortcut to Doom” — features a drive-through and 5G.
From here in orbit, it’s a spectacular view of absurdity, irony, and occasional hope, still the galaxy’s most binge-worthy show.
This has been Al Jezza,
reporting for the Satyrical News Division,
where truth meets nonsense in a head-on collision
and the survivors are quoted out of context.
End Transmission
